Friday November 13, 2009 at 10:26 PM

Ok so I found this great review of the biographical comic book about Stephenie Meyers and just had to share. The reviewer hates it, and I can't blame him. What do you guys think? Would you spend money on this 28 page comic book? Are you cracking up from the spelling errors and quality, or lack thereof, of the the drawings? I know it's long, so you can just look at the lulzy pictures if you want :) 

The Stephenie Meyer Comic Book: So Much Worse Than 'Twilight'

Yesterday may have seen the release of Grant Morrison's "Batman and Robin" and Jason Aaron and Steve Dillon's "Punisher," but the new comic release we've been looking forward to the most was the "Female Force" biography of "Twilight" creator Stephenie Meyer!

We've been excited about this one since we saw the trailer for the motion comic last week, and now that it's out, we've forced -- er, asked ComicsAlliance contributor Chris Sims to give us his review of the shameless cash-grab series and its latest attempt to stay only one step behind the cultural zeitgeist!

When you're doing a biography of Stephenie Meyer, you're going to run into a problem right off the bat, namely the fact that Stephanie Meyer is really f--king boring.

Really, we're not even trying to dis Meyer here, but the fact of the matter is that she just hasn't done a whole lot. She never sailed down the Mississippi like Mark Twain, she never married a complete lunatic like F. Scott Fitzgerald did, heck, she never even did a ton of coke and got run over by a van like Stephen King. We can sum up her entire life in twenty words. Watch:

"Stephenie Meyer grew up in the Southwest, got married, had kids, wrote some books about vampires and got rich. Batman."

We threw "Batman" in there to make it more exciting.

That is the sum total of information provided by this comic, and yet Bluewater and writer Ryan Burton have given us an issue that is twenty-eight pages long. So how do they pad out the rest of it?


They put Dracula in it.

Now, we at ComicsAlliance are pretty big fans of the Everything Is Better With Dracula school of thought, but this just seems weird. To be fair, he's not actually called Dracula, and while the monocle and widow's peak combination is more reminiscent of Count von Count, as he's later shown with framed pictures of Max Schreck as Count Orlock and Vlad the Impaler, it's pretty clear what the implication is, and it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Of course, this is the only one of the "Female Force" comics that we've read, so who knows? Maybe this is a recurring theme. Maybe the one about Princess Diana was hosted by the Wolf-Man. "She was very active in campaigning against land mines! ARROOOOOO!!"

Two other things are notable about Fake Dracula: One, he has superpowers -- he can light a candle just by touching it -- which makes him the most exciting person in this comic by default, and two, he has a big ol' book about Stephenie Meyer:

We're not Melvil Dewey or anything, but we're pretty sure that qualifies as a tome. And god knows how they managed to fill it up.

Anyway, after an introductory shot of a wolf going "auow," a noise which nothing has ever made ever but which we think is supposed to be a howl, it's time to get down to the business of an extremely poorly drawn comic.

The art in this book is atrocious. It's a shame, because as you can tell from the panels above, artist Dave MacNeil is capable of if not great, at least decent work, and we assume one of two things happened that led to his sub-DeviantArt quality stuff here: Either this became a rush job to get it on shelves before "New Moon" hit theaters, or he hit pages with descriptions like:

Page Five

Draw two literal topographic maps of Arizona. Make sure to put an inset panel of someone writing Stephenie Meyer's name so that we can talk about how it's spelled weird.

...and just stopped giving a damn.

Seriously, what the hell is this?

Apparently Meyer went to school at Pablo Picasso High, home of the Fightin' Cubists!

And that's not an isolated incident, either. The entire book is slipshod and seems barely edited, like a scene of Meyer's romance with her future husband, whose name is misspelled at least once as "Chirstian," where they're shown hanging out...

...at their local dinner.

But the awfulness doesn't all come from MacNeil, as Burton manages to write sentences so ham-handed that they come in a package from Hillshire Farms:

"It seemed as though every other girl was... different. Or, perhaps, she was the one who was different."

"The perfect setting -- the perfect backdrop -- for us vampires. Not too much sun, just enough shadow...
surrounded by forest, rainy... and out of way... Paradise. Vampire territory."

And our personal favorite:

"From there, it only took nine months from 'hello' to 'I do'. Stephenie was 21 when she married Chirstian [sic]... also known as 'Pancho.'"

Thanks to the Midnight Movie Dracula voice that Burton has foisted on his narration, that last one comes off not as compelling narrative, but more like Robert Stack giving a woman's last known whereabouts on an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries," right before he advises you to call in with any information you might have about a man named Pancho.

It's when art and writing come together, though, that this thing achieves the absolute peak of its awfulness. As we said, Meyer's life itself doesn't have much going on, so in order to spice things up, Burton and MacNeil engage in absolutely shameless techniques at padding things out. In the absence of anything magical -- what with this being a biography about a writer of fiction -- they turn to a tenuous link to palmistry, actually drawing the state of Utah on her hand...

...in a five-panel sequence that takes up an entire page.

Shortly after that, there's a break where Fake Dracula eats a spider. Why Fake Dracula is eating a spider, we have no idea, but that's three pages that Burton didn't have to worry about trying to fill with the actual biography that people are ostensibly paying for, and he manages to rack up another four recapping the dream Meyer had that was the basis for "Twilight."

Which means that this is a dream that has already had both a book and a movie made about it, both of which have been experienced by the comic's target audience already. Although to be fair, we're assuming that the comic is unique in adding Meyer herself creepily leering at teenagers while they make out in the woods:

Eventually things start to wind down, and after a hilarious montage representing the booming popularity of "Twilight" that includes these two monstrosities...

...we finally find out why Fake Dracula's been narrating the story. In what is the most mind-shattering cliche that he could've possibly pulled out, Burton reveals that "Twilight" is just part of the sinister vampire master plan to make people love vampires! For the monsters... are reeeeeeeaaaaaallllll!!!!!

Sure, Stephenie. Write more. Knock yourself out.

But you, Burton? I think we've had enough of you.



Damn you Oprah

Friday November 13, 2009 at 10:05 PM

So, everyone watched Oprah to get the answer to one question.  Will there be a new novel in the Twilight Series?

cue eye roll commercial

I have the remainder of the interview but the peeps over at HARPO provide no way for me to post it so....

heres the link




I am handicapped. I'm psychotic

Friday November 13, 2009 at 9:54 PM

So, today my best friend and I went to see

   Terrible decision.


Possibly the 2nd worst movie I've ever seen.

Just after


My question is:

What's the WORST movie ya'll have seen lately and why (if you would like)?

oh, and for your trouble:


Jimmy Kimmel Preview

Friday November 13, 2009 at 9:46 PM




Friday November 13, 2009 at 8:13 PM

So I'm procrastinating writing my summaries for my debate tournament tomorrow. To aid in this effort, I'm looking for a good FF with Edward as a military man. Too bad "Black and White" is gone. ):

I don't want an old war fic, but one set in modern times. Any suggestions?

Oh, and...


Remember Me spoilers

Friday November 13, 2009 at 7:42 PM

Some people screened it in Los Angeles and had this to say about it:


Spoilers smallened in case you don't want to be spoiled.







-The very begining scene which consisted of a young Ally and her mother was intense and emotional.
-After that, things were pretty slowly until Tyler and Aidan were introduced.
-The beach scene lasted a few seconds, it mostly showed Ally tackling Tyler and then they made out.
-Aidan was basically the comedy relief in the film, he made everything much more enjoyable.
-There is a great scene that takes place in the library where Aidan is telling Tyler to get some ass, Aidan then pushes the stool Tyler is standing on causing him to fall over. A passervy witnesses this and Tyler shouts and him going "WHAT?!"
-Tyler tries to win the Panda, requesting more balls to throw in the hoops. In the end, he pays off the man winning the Panda bear for Ally.
-Ally refuses to kiss him and Tyler gives her a guilt trip, so she pecks him on the lips and dives into the cab.
-Tyler's relationship with his sister in the film is precious and one of the key elements in the movie.
-Tyler and Ally's first sex scene involves a lot of moaning and groaning and partial thrusting. It's done very tastefully and you don't see much. There is some nipping here and there. You could hear every girl in the theater basically gasp.
-There's a scene where Tyler storms in on his fathers meeting and basically bereates him for being a terrible father. It's intense and emotional and Rob did a fantastic job with it.
-There's a scene in Tyler's apartment where he cooks Aly pasta, so he dumps the entire content of pasta into the boiling water and smashes it down with his hands.
-Tyler then tries to wash dishes after dinner, Ally gets irrated and starts to wash the dishes for him, he then takes the sprayer and sprays her commenting on how she's "wet" now. Ally then takes the bucket of left over pasta and dumps it all over Tyler. He has pasta sticking out of his shirt. Tyler then grabs Ally and throws her over his shoulder taking her to the bath tub where they throw water at each other and play fight. Then they end up making out. It's hot as hell.
-When Tyler brings his little sister to school after she got her hair cut at a girls birthday pary, he hears the little girls in the class making fun of her new short hair. Tyler loses his temper and lunges toward the fire extinguisher, grabs it and throws it. He then preeceds to knock over her desk. The little girl looked like she wanted to shit bricks. Everyone in the theater clapped. Tyler then ends up in jail and has a touching moment with his father when he bails him out, unlike the previous time in the movie.
-The end is the most emotional part of the movie (naturally) when things finally start looking up for Tyler, he heads to his fathers office and sits in his chair. He taps the computer and the screen lights up displaying pictures of Tyler, Michael, and Carolyne (spelling?) when they were little kids. Tyler realizes that enough though his father puts up a stoic attidude and pretends not to care, he's always truly loved them. The amazement and awe in Rob's face is utterly heart breaking. You could hear people sniffling in the theater because the moment was so touching at that point in the film.
-There was a scene right after Carolyne intitally got her hair cut, where Tyler is lying in bed with her reading a mythology book that Michael had previously given him because it was his favorite book. He previously mentioned that Michael would beat him over the head with it in order to get him to read it.
-During the jail scene, Tyler says pussy and every girl in the theater gasped. It was hilarious.
-After Aidan gets Ally drunk, we see Tyler attempting to hold her hair back while she vomits and Aidan trying to aplogize. Ally asks Tyler to call her father, he picks up the phone and finds it dead. Ally they falls over beside the toilet. Tyler pokes her repeatedly asking her what her fathers number is. It's pretty funny.
-Tyler has a voice over at the end, it panned out to Carolyne in the car interlacing her fingers with her father. Aidan was in class and you could see a tattoo that said "Tyler". Ally finally goes back to the subway where her mother was initially killed and gets on the subway looking at the couples all around her. After that, it fades out.

Some key Rob moments:

His acting was honestly great. It's a far cry from Twilight and you can tell her really tried hard to bring this character to life.

The end scene is emotional and beauitful because of Rob's facial expressions and his look of awe. Very touching, he did a marvelous job.

Rob and the guy who played Aidan were hilarious and played off each other well. They had good chemistry.

Rob was the executive producer of the film.

During some scenes, Rob would make his famous "Dali" expression with his eyes. In one particular scene, Tyler was standing behind Ally trying to communicate with Aidan so she wouldn't notice. He pulled those expressions and it was great to see the wonky eyes.

You see Rob's pale as fuck ass crack when he stands up from the bed. Just so you know.

There is a "rough-ish" sex scene where Tyler comes back to his apartment somewhat emotionally disturbed, Ally is there and they look at each other and go at it. Rob rams her into a wall and there's moaning and groaning. It cuts to a scene where they are lying in bed and he's holding her and kissing the top of her head. It's adorable.

Rob did a great job with the comedy aspect. There was a scene where he walked into the recptionist office where his father works. He lights up and starts to smoke, the secretary is baffled and he is suprised when she tells him he can't smoke there. He points to the object on the table and asks why considering they have an ashtray. She informs him that it's a bowl. He stares at her like she's insane and uses the bowl/ashtray. He then walks away telling her's "that it's such a tease".

Rob's accent was pretty good although at times he did slip up, especially is scenes where he would get angry and start yelling. At times it seemed like he had a New York accent. Mainly his accent could be described as "other wordly" because it's strange.

During a scene where Tyler, Ally, and his father are dining together - Rob is cutting his steak. His fingers are curled into an ugoldy position around his steak knife and it's hilarious. He had Gollum hands or something.

In our personal opinions, we felt the ending should have been kept the way it was in the script. Intially Tyler looked out the window and commented about the plane and how it was flying so close. Instead Tyler and his fathers assistant stand there looking out of it. You never see the plane hit, thankfully. It just blacks out. After a little montage of everyone crying, it pans back to the room where you pretty much realize Tyler is actually dead, there's accesories and shoes scattered about.

There are very subtle hints in the film - in the beginning they show the twin towers and the teacher writes September on the blackboard.

enough rpattz already

Friday November 13, 2009 at 7:38 PM

We need some drunk Billy.




Friday November 13, 2009 at 7:29 PM

New Beginning by donteatmycookie updated.


Her writing is humorous, sarcastic, and refreshing.


Its been oodles of time but to jog everyone's memory, the story is about Bella starting a diary on Edward's laptop - there's Paddy the Duck and a realistically portrayed Alice who's been nagging Bella to go to Italy. I think we left off at the part where they move to Alaska.


Read and discuss!


Pics From Jimmy Kimmel

Friday November 13, 2009 at 6:28 PM





Dark Jewel

Friday November 13, 2009 at 6:24 PM

The sequel to Dark Salvation, the biggest mind-fuck story I've ever read, has finally been posted. Dark Jewel promises to be even crazier than the original and if the first chapter is an indication we're in for a story that will leave people saying "WTF?" after every chapter.

For those who haven't read Dark Salvation, it's not for the faint of heart. It takes BDSM to a whole other level. It's not the type of story I usually read but there's something about it that keeps me reading, even when the plot made a rollercoaster look tame. It's addictive and definitely made me fall in love with Jasper even more.

I don't think this story has ever been discussed here. Are there others who have read the story where Edward/Jasper slash is considered a boring chapter? Are you going to read this one? Are there other stories that are a bigger mind-fuck than this? (if there are, I want to know!)


i got tor on mah mind

Friday November 13, 2009 at 6:00 PM

so i'm watching gilmore girls online, and billy burke is on my monitor.

natch, first thing i think of is tor.

discuss what things make you think of people you adore have never met, or times a twilight-related thingie has unexpectedly sneaked into your tv show/movie.


Your Mission, if you are willing to accept it...

Friday November 13, 2009 at 4:49 PM


So campers...by this time next week many of us will have already seen the FABULOUSNESS (We hope!) that will be New Moon!  

I have a mission for you guys, if you are willing to accept it...

We all know that the midnight showings are going to be MADNESS!  Twilight was bad but it will be worse now that so many people have jumped on the Twilight Saga bandwagon.  

This is what we RANGERS want from you...


Yes, we want pictures of the craziness you encounter at your showing.  This doesn't just go for the midnight showing, per say.  There will be mass craziness all next weekend so we want to see it!

Take your camera and get video and pictures of the hysteria as it happens! We want to see...




I will make several post throughout the next week reminding you guys!  I will make a master post next Saturday so you guys can upload pics, video, etc.  I will be participating in this and I will be pimping ADF in the process!  (Yeah, I have an ADF shirt I will be pimping...)

I think this could be AMAZING!  Let me know what you think...

Ryan Ninea

New Moon and the Kiddies

Friday November 13, 2009 at 4:47 PM

How young is too young? My niece who just turned 9 Oct 3rd is dying to go see New Moon with me. Her mom says it is my call, and I am kinda geekin about it. She is so romantic and I am worried that she will see Bella's reactions as acceptable. I hate to censor, but I am nervous. I said she could read my books, but her 13 year old friend told her to books were boring and to just see the movies, so she took that as gospel. I read The Vampire Chronicles when I was in 6th grade, so I would be a hypocrite to say hold off, but I am still unsure. What are you guys doing about your youngins?   (my own is a boy and he is 3, so I don't have to worry about him)

Also I apologize for my gratuitous campfire usage today, I will try to tone it down.

and just because it is delicious,

Ranger ETA: not-fake Rob is much better. sorry if this offends anyone. not intentional.

gotta love the nipplige   (I totally thought it was Rob, gosh I feel dumb...but who ever it is, is still hot)

Lol Ryan is not offended, just embarassed...but everyone should bear witness to my embarassment so i will not remove said fake and now doodled on pic from my post., and appreciate the real Rob added in by the wonderful Rangers...thank you for showing me the error of my ways!

The Hat Does Nothing

100 Monkeys

Friday November 13, 2009 at 4:32 PM

Jackson Rathbone's Got A Band.
We All Knew That - Or Most Of Us.
It's Called 100 Monkeys.
Well, 100 Monkeys Has Just Released A  Music Video.
So, Where Are My Jackson Girls At?

Ugly Girl By 100 Monkeys

What Do You Think?
About The Song?
The Video?
Jackson? Discuss!
Oh & If You Like Their Music Here's Their Youtube:



reminder post

Friday November 13, 2009 at 4:06 PM





go. send.  some of these playlists are amazing.  i'm glad i don't hafta judge them.



"New Moon" Knoxville premier

Friday November 13, 2009 at 3:30 PM

Ok, so a while ago there was a contest to get tickets to a special premier in Knoxville in which both KStew and Taylor will be attending. Has anyone heard anymore info about this? I cant really find any updated info on it. I just find it so weird that a Knoxville,TN charity was able to get both KStew and Taylor for a premier the same week as the actual movie. I mean, really, Knoxville! I hate that I am so close yet wont be able to get to it.


PS-I have made many comments on this site since it was started, but this is the 1st campfire I have started. It took me a while, but I have finally popped my campfire cherry!


Hey Tor, Charlie says Cheer Up!

Friday November 13, 2009 at 3:28 PM

Larry Carrol at MTV intrerviews Billy Burke who personifies Bella Swan’s loving-but-clueless dad Charlie.

The more you watch “Twilight,” the more you notice what a great impact he was able to make in such a brief amount of time on-screen – and now that I’ve seen “New Moon,” I won’t give anything away while saying that Billy has done it again.“I don’t worry about stealing scenes,” the veteran actor grinned when we asked him whether the term was insulting at all. “I take that as a compliment — thank you very much, that’s very nice. We can’t think about it in terms of that [while we’re acting]; you’ve got to do what feeds the story, and what’s honest about the character as best as possible. And that’s all I’m looking to do.”


In the original film, it was the little stuff — how he drank his beer, that thing he did whirling his finger around — that drew the eyes of the viewer to Charlie. And who can forget the way he cocked his gun when Edward came over to pick up Bella for a date?

“That got a lot of attention, didn’t it?” laughed Burke.

Instead, in the new movie that comes out next week, Burke cracks some impromptu jokes, gives Bella a priceless reaction when she says she wants to go shopping – and as he told us recently, used his real-life newfound fatherhood to inject an extra closeness to his on-screen daughter.

“You always look at what’s on the page, and you’re trying to be honest about what serves the story and about the character, you’re always looking for stuff that you might embellish, and add a little twitch here and a wink there, especially with Charlie,” Burke explained. “That’s aside from serving the purpose of being the moral compass of the stories. You’re looking to see what else you can do to throw in there and mix it up.”

“There are a couple of moments in both movies — ‘New Moon’ and ‘Eclipse'. where hopefully we sparked it up a little bit,” he said of his scenes, typically opposite KStew. “We do play around with it a little bit.” 




Digging for Fanfiction

Friday November 13, 2009 at 2:52 PM

I'm looking for new Twilight fanfics to read, preferably ones from new and underappreciated authors. I like AH ones the best, but anything works.

My favorite new fic currently is Where Poppies Grow by La Serenade. It's set during World War II with Bella as a spy for the British. I'm not sure how many other fics have the same theme as this, but I can promise you that this one is awesome. Her writing is so unbelievably intriguing, kinda like SMeyer's.

So tell me, what are your favorite fics?

La Strana Musica

Spot The Difference - Volvo Style

Friday November 13, 2009 at 2:50 PM

Spot The Difference - Volvo Style

Edward's Volvo In Twilight

Edward's Volvo In New Moon

Who managed to spot the difference between the two cars?!

I know I did.

Does anyone know exactly why we can spot the difference. And why, I don't know, they aren't the same car?!

Lettuce discuss ;)


New Moon - 5 days to go!!!!

Friday November 13, 2009 at 1:58 PM

New Moon is showing in less than a week and I'm so excited.

Now, I'm here to ask you...

What do you expect in NM? Do you think it will be better than Twilight? What will you think will be the fans reception to the movie, with it predecessor Twilight garnering mostly negative reviews? Do you think changing the directors will invite those who hated Twilight to watch NM?

I honestly do not know what to expect from New Moon... I have a love-hate relationship with the story (love it sometimes... and hate it most of the time. Do you even get me? )

I think changing directors would help invite those fans who were disappointed with Twilight the movie. Also, the previews/trailers were so good that I can't help but be excited for the movie. I know people who had very high expectations for Twilight the movie, and  some of them were disappointed. Some of them will watch the movie but they don't expect much from it this time.


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