***
Me: So first off... thanks for like, agreeing to do this interview. And I just got my allowance. So I could like, totally get you a drink or something if you'd like.
E.C: Well, I'm glad to try to accommodate a friend of Bella's, though I don’t know what I can say that would be of interest to Forks High School students. And thanks, but no thanks. They don't carry my brand here.
Me: Well, my articles are actually being syndicated now. So this interview will reach a much larger audience. Um... so Bella is your girlfriend right? I mean... like... you must really like her. Because that uniform would like totally change your mind if you were undecided. Who wears yellow?
E.C: Yep, yellow polyester, fabric of Queens. I will never look at yellow polyester again without salivating.
Me: Salivating? Like ... spit? ew. That's kinda gross. But anyway... is that your motorcycle out there?
E.C: Yes, thats my hog. Would you like a ride?
Me: Oh my god! Really? Yeah. Yes. When we are done with the interview, okay? But you can't tell my mom. Once, when I was dating this guy named Mike, he told me he was going to pick me up on his bike. And my Mother like totally lost her mind and ran outside to try to stop me from leaving with him. But she broke her heel on the front porch steps and face-planted in the begonias out front. It took our dentist like three hours to recap her front teeth. And turns out, Mike rides a ten-speed. So she totally freaked out over a Schwinn. So... what kind of motorcycle is that?
E.C: Oh, what? Sorry. It’s a Harley Davidson Night Rod. Only the bravest girls ride my Night Rod.
(Thank God the waitress brought my diet Pepsi. Because I drank like half a glass, trying to figure out what to say next. He kinda sounded like he was flirting with me. But his girlfriend was serving pie to some hobo at the counter… and he just got done telling me all about how her ugly polyester uniform made him drool. So I couldn’t quite understand what he was talking about.)
Me: Night Rod? Is that seriously… like what it’s called? That sounds like a bad porno. But the motorcycle is really pretty. Have you been riding for long?
(And THAT’s how a professional redirects an interview.)
E.C: Longer than you've been alive. I first had one of the Indian brand motorcycles when they first became available. I took Carlisle on his first ride in one of those sidecars.
Me: Very funny. You don’t look that much older than me. But you do look well-traveled. I'll bet you've visited like a ton of places. What has been your favorite? And why?
E.C: Seattle will always be a golden city for me, having been where I met my Bella. As I told Bella, I loved the Serengeti, I loved the rain forests of South America. It’s easier for me to be in places where there aren't a lot of people.
Me: Is it very hard for you, now?
E.C: Harder than anything... ever...
Me: That's kinda hot. In a totally weird way. So... you're back in Forks now? Can you give me three pros and three cons to being back in the area?
E.C: Pros Bella, Family, Bella. Cons? Those fucking wolves. Did you see I kicked Jacob's ass? Ha! Teach him to fuck around with Bella.
Me: Wolves, huh? There is a lot of wildlife around. I try to stay out of the woods. I don’t hike very often. My cousin was hiking once and had to pee while she was in the woods. ‘Leaves of three… let it be.’ She learned that lesson the hard way. Anyway, I’m not sure that I know this ‘Jacob’ guy that you are talking about. But it sounds like you are very protective of Bella?
E.C: Screw with her and you screw with me. Don't do it. You were nice to her in school, Weren’t you Jessica?
(Okay. Creepo was making me nervous again. I mean, yeah. The guy was gorgeous. Anyone could see that. But other than that, I wasn’t sure what Bella actually saw in him. Except that I heard she got like totally religious or something. So maybe that whole ‘love your neighbor’ stuff applied to weirdos too- Gorgeous weirdos on super-cool motorcycles? I’m sure it’s in the bible somewhere.)
Me: uhhh. yeah. We were like best friends. Totally. Umm. But .. you know? It's probably best if I don't take that ride on the back of your .. uh.. hog. Because I have a paper due tomorrow and I really should be going home now. So anyway... thanks for the interview. And tell Bella I said Hi. Okay?
E.C: Be careful going home, Jessica. Lot of gangs in these parts.
Me: Thanks.
***
Okay. So this guy was a little odd. And something about him seemed sort of… I don’t know… dangerous? Between you and me, I was ready to get out of there. The idea of running into ‘gangs’ in the area didn’t even sound that bad, in comparison.